First, You Must Ask Forgiveness From Others
by What'sNext04
Summary: He had given her everything, without him she would be some housewife in Wisconsin with five brats and a deadbeat husband. Without him she would be nothing...this was so much more than professional betrayal.


_This is just a post ep that was in the back of my mind for a while for "On the Day Before" (I think). There was so much tensionin that great bullpen scene when Donna tells Josh she went out with Cliff. You can just tell that her omission is killing him in twenty-six ways but he can't even begin to put a name to it.Plus the levels of betrayal for him get sticky because there is the President's betrayal which is the reason Donna is upset with Josh in the first place (boxes, etc) and then there is Donna's betrayal, or how he sees it. This is thescenethat I imagine might have happened if he had been allowed to stew a little and thenbeen forced to confront her.Lots of reviews please:) (And, I don't own any part of the West Wing etc...)_

"**You just thought he was working on Ways and Means where I was battling the Estate Tax."**

He trudged back through the bullpen with the weight of subpoenas, campaign pressure and 2 dead students on his shoulders. _"Ainsley set me up on a blind date" _Somehow that was the heaviest burden of all,the one that really drove him crazy.How could Donna have betrayed him like that? He had been fighting so damn hard on that estate tax, practically sweating blood and she knew it. He moved to loosen his bow tie but realized he had already taken it off.

He fingered the lapels of his dress shirt, where her hands had been earlier in the night, and he could almost smell her skin on him, and remember what her breath felt like against his cheek. He loved the closeness of their faces, how her voice got softer when she talked to him, the intimacy of the moment…but tonight he felt tainted, almost dirty remembering that tender act. Because even as she tied his tie tonight, she had known, known what she had done to him. It's like she had the knife waiting just for the second he would turn his back. He felt so used. He had given her _everything_, without him she would be some housewife in Wisconsin with five brats and a deadbeat husband. Without him she would be nothing. He seethed passing her desk, this was so much more than professional betrayal. Weren't they friends? Didn't she care about him at all? Didn't she know how much he…

He slowly pushed the door to his office open, surprised to find the lights on, and stopped in the doorway. There she was, in his chair, legs propped on the desk, obviously tired out of her mind and asleep with a folder in her lap.

The tension in his shoulders eased, and anger gave way to exhaustion as he shut the door behind him. He gently pulled the folder from her lap, "Donna, Donnatella, wake up" She came to and quickly rose from the chair,shuffling her notecards, trying to retain her professional composure. "Didn't I tell you to go home like an hour ago," he sighed, shrugging off his jacket. She stopped and looked at him. "Yea, but I just..." she put down her notecards. "Josh, we need to talk about what happened before…" "Donna look, I'm sorry I was snippy. It's been a long week and all…" She protested, "But, see, that's the thing, I don't think that was all. I mean I want to just say that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. I mean, I had a date and we realized it was bad—" "Ya think!" Suddenly Josh's anger was back in full force and he couldn't take it any more. "Ya think it was bad Donna! You betrayed me, you fraternized with my enemy, what did you expect from me…?" Shecutin,"…Betrayed _us, _the enemy of _the administration._" She shook her head, leaning forward on the desk, and then pinned him with a look he had never seen before. "You meant I betrayed the President, our politics, not you Josh, I didn't do anything to you."

He knew he was pushing the limit, but he couldn't stop himself, couldn't stop the words that had been running through his head all night. "Who are you kidding? This wasn't fucking personal? Well, it sure felt personal Donna, Can you honestly say that all those boxes, this whole mess, you didn't want to get back at me, didn't want to stick it to me at all Donna! Didn't want to hurt me as much as I hurt you?" His posture had changed to match hers, facing off, going for the attack. But she sucked in a sharp breath and stood up. "Of course not Josh. No matter what you believe, this _wasn't_ personal. First of all, you have no say in who I date, which we have been over countless times. Secondly, _God_, my life does _not_ revolve around you. And finally, I don't do things with the specific intent to hurt you, how could you even think that about me? You honestly have no more respect for me than that? " Her eyes glittered, obviously hurt, but still held his intense gaze. He opened his mouth, tried to catch a breath, wanting more than anything to tell her how much it hurt to see her with other guys, how it killed him to get so close to her sometimes and never have her, but he couldn't. He broke their gaze and shifted away, letting silence fall. "I'm going home now," she sighed.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled to his shoes as she reached for the doorknob. It was all he knew how to give her at the moment. Erev Yom Kippur meant you had to ask others for forgiveness first, before you could be absolved for your own sins. He turned to her, "Donna I'm sorry for thinking so little of you, I'm sorry for not being able to- I'm just sorry." She looked back at him, eyes softening, "I'll see you in the morning ok?" and with a nod, he watched her walk out the door.


End file.
